this week’s theme on verve is “letting go.” i had to smile when i saw it because deep in my heart i am definitely a control freak. over the past few years, i can say that i have learned more about letting go than ever before, but it still isn’t my second nature.
i believe that one of the biggest pitfalls for church leadership is the tendency to overcontrol. i guess that’s just because “the church” is a reflection of people, and so all our wonderful dysfunctions naturally seep into everything we are part of. and since control is a central human issue that started from the very beginning of time, it makes sense that it would show up big-time in the things we do. it’s why the first step in AA’s 12 steps focuses on admitting our control issues, that we are actually trying to manage our lives (or our churches) and it’s not working too well.. in reality, though, i do think that many of us manage our lives & churches quite well using control. many “successful” church leaders get the job done, strive for excellence, and make things happen. the problem, though, is that the whole idea of someone (or a small group of people) managing life for the rest of a community is radically counter ot the descriptions of the very early church. at the beginning it was a band of brothers & sisters, digging into life together, figuring out what it meant to really follow Jesus. they shared stories, food, resources, and life. like any group of people, there are always natural leaders who are good at bringing people together; at the same time, the big idea in the early church was sharing.
sharing leadership. sharing the floor. sharing resources. and sharing & controlling don’t go together. sharing means that leaders let go and everyone who is part do their thing. sharing means that everyone has a chance to use their voice, their gifts, their talents without someone managing who gets to do what. and like most of the things that are kingdom principles, sharing is much harder to do than control! controlling is pretty easy in terms of leadership—just tell people what you need them to do and get them to do it. find people who think like you, act like you, and can do what you want. i hate to say it, but most leaders are taught to be “nice” controllers. professional ministry success often depends on how good leaders do at delegating, managing, and maintaining excellence.
well, even though i know how to delegate, manage, and maintain excellence, i am discovering what little place those things actually have in “the church.” especially in the refuge. my job as a cultivator in our community should be to do whatever i can do to make room for people to share their voices, their hearts, their hands, their resources, their experience. this requires a degree of letting go that i still am getting used to. it often means that things do not get done on time. that they’re far different than i would have preferred. that people can speak freely at all of our gatherings and you never quite know who might say what. that “excellence” is a distant thought. that i am often so annoyed i want to scream because things aren’t happen as quickly as i want them to or in all of the ways that i am quite sure is the right way to do it!
yeah, i am learning to let go, and it is much harder than i thought. it goes against what i have been taught. it makes things slower. weirder. harder. but it also brings forth a beauty that is sometimes stunning. new voices being heard. people stepping out in ways they would have never had the opportunity before because they weren’t “pretty enough, strong enough, excellent enough.” a wild diversity of styles, opinions, perspectives, and experiences with God that we’d never get to see if we didn’t open up the space for it to come out. and even though we’re on a less-controlling-than-anything-i’ve-ever-done-before trajectory at the refuge, there are so many more ways i need, we need, to “let go” and keep learning what it means to create a culture where God’s spirit is totally released and not held back in any way, shape, or form.
what does “letting go” look like for you?
- note: check out love is concrete, created by my dear and fabulous friend todd fadel from the bridge in portland. he is the master at fostering creative collaboration and helping people (and bent-toward-controlling leaders like me) learn to “let go” so hidden beauty can be uncovered.
Years ago I was in a group discussing change. I said, “I don’t mind change, as long as I’m in charge of the process.” I thought I said it with tongue in cheek. However, at the time I had no idea as to what a total control freak I am. Of course, my family was pretty clear on that fact. What does “letting go” look like for me? Sometimes I “let go” but what I am really doing is letting somebody else “win”. Then I engage in a total passive-aggressive campaign to try to get them to relent. Pretty mature? I guess it must have worked when I was a child. Sometimes it means that I just totally walk away, in effect imitating Pontius Pilate, washing my hands of the matter. I wait for failure or to be proved right. And then I engage in sniping. Now that I am aware of this practice, I try to recognize when I am heading in that direction and refocus on the priorities at hand, which are not my petty feelings. Sometimes letting go is about listening and waiting, looking to the views and needs of others. It’s pretty amazing what can happen when I do this. People feel heard, affirmed, valued. Of course, my inner toddler is always waiting in the wings. But it’s getting easier to be there for others. Sometimes it means planning lightly, which, as indicated in an earlier post, is not my natural approach. But now I try to do the minimum amount of planning and then wait and see what happens. Part of the reason I do this is because it allows God’s Spirit to guide, and it allows others to be involved. But another reason is that, after kicking around on this planet for 55 years, I have seen that no matter how thoroughly I plan, often things never go quite as planned. So why waste all that effort? Oh, and one last reason: No matter how brilliant I may find my ridiculously overly-detailed plans to be, they seldom withstand intact the test of taking them from paper to reality. Plus, my experience has been that if others are involved, the total picture is more complete, plus it builds consensus and community. I could ramble on for 10,000 more words, but most of it would be about my failure to let go. I can’t write that much about how I do let go. But fortunately, that is changing. Thanks be to God.
Hi Kathy… Interesting post… I have my own radical ideas about the problem of control & letting go. Maybe I’ll bore ya with them sometime… Please, don’t think that’s a threat. I got “caught up” chasing links, as I often do, AND………… Major Props, Kudos, Whatever… To your vocafemina site!!! SOooooooooo Much Cool Stuff… I’m seriously Luvin It!!! I’m headin back over now, ttyl. ;D
It’s kinda like with our kids. So many times when one of them has been assigned to do the dishes, for instance, I feel so compelled to do it for them, or at least go along behind them and “finish”. It’s another form of controlling…and I have to learn not only to let go of my expectations a certain amount, but to know that it’s more loving to be ok with things the way they do them than to criticize. Doesn’t mean I don’t do that, but I’m learning.
Okay Kathy, I’m backkkk… I really do love vocafemina!!! I’m so envious (is that a sin?), I wish was/were a Woman (is THAT a sin?)… heehee Seriously, it’s time women take the reigns of the church… The relationships would be closer & definitely more healthy, the prayers would be intense & more intercessory in nature AND worship would be far more creative!!! Too bad yo mama ate da fruit! Sorry, I fell off topic… This week’s theme on verve is “letting go.” Oh Yeah… Why, after taking SO LONG to get what “little control” a woman has in “church”, why in the hell would she ever want to “let go”???
My radical thoughts… The organized church as we know it is physically & mentally, oh what the heck, let’s even throw in spiritually handicapped AND near death!!! Amen? The “Good News”??? God STILL heals the Lame & desperately wants to raise the dead… More “Good News”??? The organized church is NOT, the Body Of Christ!!! So in conclusion… Don’t let go, Hang On! grace&peace… t.f.
gary – thanks for sharing, i commented yesterday but for some reason it never posted, weird. anyway, i liked all of the different ways “letting go” looks for you. i want to be a person whose grip gets looser and looser and looser on all kinds of things. we’re definitely all a work in progress
thom – great to hear from you here and thanks for your support of voca femina, too. i bet we could have a good conversation! i appreciate your thoughts and what you stir up here. i think one thing that feels clear to me, though, is that male or female, letting go is always the way of the kingdom…holding on to power was never the idea, in my opinion! erin – yeah, it seems like almost everything related to ‘church’ always parallels our real lives, eh? i am faced with the letting go thing every day at home with all these kids and yes, it is just as hard if not harder!!! love to you!
Hi Kath… I believe Peter said it best… I hope vids post. Just in case they don’t… With Great Power comes Great Responsibilty… You are welcome and Thanks, I am SURE we could have a good conversation! I don’t intend to “stir it up”, but let’s try??? I know “letting go is always the way of the kingdom” sounds like a great concept, very christianese! In fact, in all of my travels EVERY pastor/leader that I’ve met, would say that’s their daily prayer. That AND doing God’s Will… So I would ask… Why does God have such a HARD TIME answering that prayer?
It’s my belief, “wielding” the immense power God infuses us with is the problem! That just seems more logical & biblical. But in your case, instead of letting go, I would love to hear about your “abuses” of power in a church setting. That would make for a more interesting conversation! 
grace&peace… t.f.
Sorry the vid didn’t post, but it was the “Blessing & Curse” scene from Spiderman… [url][/url]
thom, you are fun. yeah, i couldn’t find the video! i will have to look it up, maybe on you tube, or you can email me the link? anyway, i always like people pointing out “christianese” to me. i get what you are saying, everyone uses that terminology, but i think i am actually trying to use it in the true sense, not just the la-la-la-that-all-sounds-good sense. i know the difference because i have been in ministry roles where power is held very tightly and sure, there’s a “letting go” that looks like delegating and make sure that our exact ideas are replicated–or else. and there’s the letting go that i am experiencing now that looks like actually letting people do their thing even when it drives me crazy and maybe doesn’t look like it fits into the right places. it really does feel like “letting go” and it is scary, and wild, and very beautiful to see. oh, i have seen my share of “abusive” in church leadership, on both ends, the one that used my power in negative ways, and one who has had power used against me in negative ways. i think there’s always a pull toward power for all people and the trickiest part of growing as leaders is to use our power more purely…easier said than done.